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Submitted on
September 8, 2011
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i don't really know
how i got here.
it's all a blur
from the time i
was able to think
about who i
really was
or am.

i never got why i'm
so clingy
and clueless,
why i don't know
how to be
independent.
my exterior may
show it,
but i sure don't
have it.

i've been gone
for a really long time.
it's not me that
they see when they
speak things
that I pretend to
care about.
it's my vacated
carcass that is already
hollow and sad.
every trivial thought i
have echoes and
bounces off the
walls of my shell.

i'm just a poster child
for the underdog in all
of us losers.
i'm not a poser,
i'm just trying to get by
without getting hurt.
it's a novel idea
if you think real hard.

i guess i'm a cadaver.
i'm only a figment
of myself.
i created this
sense of being tough
so people would give
me more respect.
but it backfired
miserably.
people don't
care about
a girl who begs
for someone to
simply call
"friend."

to be honest,
my existence isn't
necessary.
none of ours is.
we're just here
because we
were lucky,
so why bother
searching for a
purpose when we
all have a demise
waiting for us?

i'm empty.
i truly am a
blank canvas,
and i wasn't always
barren.
i am only scarred
with eraser marks
and tears in the
sheet because
all the decisions
worth making are
far past their prime.
anything worth
fighting for, isn't
and anything we
try to bring to the
back burner, is.

i am fear.
i am the epitome
of that shaking
feeling we get when
we're overwhelmed
with any kind of
emotion.
i am what most
people say is a
coward,
but i'm not a coward.
i'm a realist.

i've got that
tingle in my bones
that makes me
remember that i
do have a heart,
and that sharp
stab in my head
that reminds me
my mind still works.

i look to you
for inspiration.
can you please
help me to find me,
because i've tried so
hard to find her
myself, but she just
doesn't want to be
a part of me.
if you see her,
bring her back
home.

bring her back
home, but don't
bring back her
anger, or her
misery, or her
lack of life
or love to give.
bring her back
being able to
love someone.

i often forget i
have yet to feel
a sunshine so warm
that I can feel myself
optimizing just
from the pure heat
and light
that should be entering
my soul,
but my body just
doesn't know how
to permeate in the
moment
and immerse
myself in the hot
white power.

i don't know
how i can fix me,
this me that has been
a zombie to the
trade of indifference i
have enslaved
myself to.

i don't know
how to change
this deep blue that
i have drowned in,
this depression
that i don't know
how to get rid of.
sometimes i think i've
lost it but it always
comes back.
i want it to go away,
but i don't want to
leave with it.
i don't know if
it's clinical, but it's painful.

all i can do to be
free from this
invisibility is to find me.
i want you to help me
to find me.
...I guess this is just a little something I whipped up. Maybe a possible submission, a definite presentation. :3
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